[BeRNiCe]

Happy halloween.

Ugh. Because no one reads this anymore.. i get to rant. ive been dying to write something down, but i cant cause other ppl read my shit.

Anyway. Boys suck my non existant balls. I wish he would just make up his god damn mind. It's hot and cold with him, i have to make sure hes in a good mood. its like hes a fuckin girl. I want him, but im sick of waiting. So im trying to stop. its not that easy tho, i have to see him,and pass him in the hallways everyday. we have the same friends. i decided not to talk to him unless he talks to me. and i deleted all his shit off my myspace, which is good cause i dont check it every freakin 20 mins anymore. I dont know what it is, but i get so jealous when he talks to other ppl on there, and he comments on thiers, or their xangas, and not on mine. he used to like me. i know he did. we were together for a while, but then he decided he wasnt ready for a realationship yet. okay, i understand that hes been through shit this year, but you dont fuckin do that to a person. lead a person on that is... i thought i could wait. but it makes me feeel sooo shitty that i cant have him. and that i can never get him out of my head. always. every waking moment i think about him. i dont think its healthy. and yes, i know im sounding like a whinny little bitch right now. i dont care. he just needs to make up his mind. ahhh. fuck boys.

Sigh.
Everything is going to shit.

It's my 18th on the 13th. Bah.

checkout www.xanga.com/calienteazn13

it kills me how close minded some people are.

well hello hello.
i guess i havent written for a while. i suppose i only write in this site when i have to vent, share something i dont want everyone here to kno, or cause im bored.

hm.. i think today is the last one.
er.. last night i learned how to play everlong on guitar... its a great song. eh.. im kinda over ross..but i still think hes gorgeous. school is eh.. im getting better grades tho! so im happy about that.

tommorow i have an appointment with my guidance counselor to work out my schedule for next year... i hope its easy. man... but i kno im gonna take that foregin affairs class because i want to be a diplomat/ambassador when i grow up. eh.. we''ll see.

4 day weekend comming up, im psyched.

wow. i just read entries from when i was in 7th grade. i feel stupid now.

He's uber cute. New. Shy. Can't dance, well his excuse is he doesn't want to. Smells amazing. Funny. Scottish. Younger.

I don't know, I can't stop thinking about him and I've bareley talked to him before. Just making eye contact makes me want to melt...

Boy's. I wouldn't bother going to school without them.

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.

The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

Today we salute you, Mr. Constant Collar Putter Upper. You, bedecked in popped collar, teach us that we no longer have to live with a cold, back of the neck.

Sure, your pink alligator polo may look feminine to some, but not the 17 other frat guys wearing the same thing at the bar.

Where others may see thoughtless fashion conformity, you preach a higher gospel. You preach of a world where it is okay for a man to go tanning.

You ask "why can't we wear makeup, and use shampoo with lavender essence?"

So crack open a fresh bottle of candy cologne, Mr. Abercrombie (or is it Fitch?), because we all know, when we really need a piece of gum, you might have one...in your man purse.

boys ae stupid.
k so the chris situation is comming to an end. ive decided to stay away from him because hes totally into meghan, and has been attached to her hip this whole week. yes the insane green jealous monster has come out, but whatever, im allowed to bitch. id be jeaous anyway, but the worst part is that you can totally tell she likes him back, even tho she does have a boyfriend. i hate girls like that. isnt it enough that there are lack of potential here? and then you have to take all the decent ones. geeze. hm. well shes a nice girl, i just dont like what shes doing.
yea so maybe ill make it through the school year with out a boyfriend... thatll be a first.

omg.. i havent written in this thing for so fucking long

ill probably use it again to bitch about qatar and no one here gets to read about it... except for maybe brit cause she does the same lol. the thing with xanga is if u write something then everyone sees it and not only that... they spread it too.

yeah well i read my old entries... good memories. i was sad about the ones about aleks tho.. there were a lot of them. just cause i talked to him today for the first time in a long time and he managed to piss me off in a mere 10 minute span. mostly cause he was jealous, i suppose, of me liking chris [ill get to that later] so he basically criticized me in a mean way. and i feel kinda hurt that he would say stuff like that because of our history. he'll always be 'the first' and thats never gona change. what did change tho, is that ive gotten over him. it took a long time to do that, and i dont want to go back to being sad everytime i think about him. its too hard to be inlove with someone so far away... most likely ill never see him again so theres no point in trying to make things work.

anywho- about chris. ive got this insanely huge childish crush on this big mormon dork. well... hes hott, nice, silly, athletic, and we're interested in some of the same stuff. god he's guapo. i remember i noticed him at orientaion and he came in late... all the girls refered to him as the hot guy in the green shirt and the green shoes lol. later when school started, he sat next to me at lunch so i introduced myself... and i guess thats how we started to become friends. we exchanged numbers one day and hes called me just once since ive met him. but of course... stupid me... i was makin out with dario when i should have been talkin to chris. ugh. wow i just realized i really regret that ever happened. back to the story... ive tried flirting, and i even did the 'middle school thing' and told his friends that i like him. [yes i know its very childish... but u have to remember thats how my crush is/was/i duno.] but i guess nothing ever reciprocated, because he likes someone else. who does seem to have a bf now... which does infact leave the occupation of chris' crush open... hmm. however... it feels like id be at the most 2nd best because he told me he liked the other girl. for someone to like me... i have to be #1. he's mormon... thats not a problem tho. at least he'd like me for me and not to get ass. and im pretty sure id be happy with just making out and cuddles and lots of attention.
uh... but yea thats not happening anymore so nevermind.

im going to bed now.. its almost 2am. goodnight.

so ive realized that i dont like my friends here [the ones that didnt leave for vaca, but this does apply to them sometimes]. actually i wouldnt even call them that, they are more like people i just chill with to fill my void of lonliness. i call them, i send messages, but they never pick up or reply. this is pretty much bull shit cause i know them, and they always, 9 out of 10 times have their phones on them. otherwise, i call, they pick up, and they say theyll call me later. which they do sometimes, but like at 11 when i cant go out anymore. hmm.. gee thanx. they never call me, that is unless they want something. "hey bernice, can i borrow ur tanning oil?" "yea sure" "thanx, you can come over if you want too." oh joy, thats so wonderful. please dont overlook the sarcasm in that last sentence. i didnt even bother calling anyone today cause i knew either a) no one would pick up b) they wouldnt come out or c) theyll call me back later at a bad time. surprise surprise, no one called me today. i really thought they were better than that. i dont think theres anything wrong with me, please tell me if there is, im open to criticizm [not too harsh], so i have no clue why they would be so fucking gay. but seriously, i was never really good in the friend department. sure, i know a lot of people, but its not like im tight with them. i dont have any friends that i could share personal stuff with, you know? like everyone else knows facts about me, but they dont know what im really thinking. thats partly my fault too cause i have trust issues and i dont open up unless i know that the person im talking will understand. or... i could open up to a complete stanger cause they wouldnt judge me cause they dont know me. thats the thing if you tell someone you know somthing personal, they judge you right away. actually, i have one person i would really call my friend, and whom i would trust, bonnie. but shes all the way on the other side of the world, so i dont get to talk to her that often. thanx anyway. i think thats why i always want a boyfriend, because hed be someone i could talk to and hang out with, and lets face it, making out aint too shabby either. ive been thinking about it a lot actually, and i figure that i should channel my lonliness, friendlessness, pissed at the world-ness or whatever you wanna call it into something worthwhile instead of writing shit like this, and being melancholy when i should be having fun on my spring break. since i probably wont be out as much, and i most definatley wont get a boyfriend anytime soon, im just gonna focus on school cause ive been slacking, and playing my guitar cause i havent gotten any better for a while. yeah so sorry for wasting anyones time if ur reading this, i just needed to vent and since i have no friends to listen i figure why not write it in here? in conclusion im just gonna let everything flow, but im still kinda morose about not having anyone.

hmm... i havent updated this thing for a while. im bored... and in dubai. thats in United Arab Emerates for those of u that dont know. im bored off my ass... i just spent the day shopping. i spent about 100$, theres forever 21 here! man... i was like a kid in a candy store... i bought 3 undies, a green stripey halter top, a head band, and this cute mini skirt. yeaaa...! i was trying to find bellybutton rings, but i didnt see any. anyways... aleks is an ass, and i dont wanna talk to him anymore... i like oliver now anyway, hopefully somthing might happen with that. god, hes so cute! hehe. anyway.. i must go. later.

create your own visited states map
or write about it on the open travel guide

yeah.. this is my last post here.

im moving to xanga.

the new website is http://www.xanga.com/CalienteAzn13

thanx for reading this...
goodbye.

YES. no more exams!!!

i still have to go to school tommorow cause i have band... but thats just for an hour so i plan on getting out of bed, eating, then going to school. im not even gonna bother to change cause when i get home im gonna go back to sleep anyway.

my dad was such an asshole today. i wanted to go to a different compound today cause i wasnt gonna do anything on mine anyway, and it's not like i really have to study for band class. so i called him and asked if i could go and come back around 7 and that i had a ride both ways... he said " no its too dangerous," and, "because i said so." UGH. i was soo mad. because 1) dangerous my ass... theres so much friggin security its like a military base. and 2) "because i said so" is not a good enough reason. when i have kids i will never say "because i said so," i hate that. anyway.... even though he said not to go i went anyway. lol. so i chilled with aleks, goksu, roddy and dandy until 5. omg, thank god the taxi was tinted. on the way home, my dad was in the car right next to mine. i was just like oh shit... and the driver asked if i was okay. i just told him to drive really fast cause my dad was right there, but my dad was behind us the whole time so i told the driver to drive around the island in the middle of the street once more so my dad to get into the compound first. when i was walking into the compound past the store my dad walked out and saw me, and asked where i came from. i was like... uhh.. i was walking around the compound with my friends and then i decided to go home. the fucker bought it. however, i believe im the luckiest girl ever... man if i got caught, id be under house arrest till i was 30.

lol after that... i got home and got really bored. so i dyed my hair like dark brown/burgundy and i cut my hair. i must say i got the skillz cause my hair looks good lol. its the same style but shorter... im glad i did it cause when i get a hair cut here i pay people to fuck up my hair for me, so what the hell? i might as well do it myself for free. whatever tho, my hair is lookin good. lol!

hey... its my 3 month anniversary tommorow with aleks! hehe... the longest relationship i have ever had. I LOVE YOU ALEKS!

neways... im gonna write some emails. so ciao!

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most?
Saying something and wishing you hadn't? or
Saying nothing and wishing you had?

I guess the most important things are the hardest
things to say. Don't be afraid to tell someone you love
them.

If you do, they might break your heart...if you
don't, you might break theirs.

Have u ever decided not 2 become a couple because you
were so afraid of losing what you already had with
that person?

Your heart decides whom it likes and whom it doesn't.

You can't tell your heart what to do. It does it on
its own... when you least suspect it, or even when
you don't want it to.

Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything
you had, but that other person was too afraid to let
you?

Too many of us stay walled up because we are too
afraid to care too much... for fear that the other
person does not care as much, or even at all.

Have you ever denied your feelings for someone
because your fear of rejection was too hard to
handle?

We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we
don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid
of what will be found out about us.

But every time we tell a lie, the thing we fear grows
stronger.

Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump.

Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder
what they would have done, or could have had.

* What would you do if every time you fell in love
you had to say good-bye?

*What would you do if every time you wanted someone
they would never be there?

*What would you do if your best friend died tomorrow
and you never got to tell them how you felt? (even if
it is that you don't care anymore)

*What would you do if you loved someone more than
ever and you couldn't have them?

*What would you do if you never got the chance to say
I am friends with all of my family and they know I
love them?*

People live, but people die. I want to tell you that

you are a friend.

If you died tomorrow (God Forbid)

you would be in my heart.
Would I be in yours?


You might be best friends one year, pretty good
friends the next year, don't talk that often the next,
and don't want to talk at all the year after that.

So, I just wanted to say, even if I never talk to you
again in my life, you are special to me and you have
made a difference in my life.

I LOVE U ALL…
Especially you, Aleks.

well i finished 4 of my exams... i swear the geometry was easy but i hate fucking proofs so i kno i got those wrong. bio kicked my ass... UGGGHHH.

today i went to the pool with jennifer and amanda and lauren. i wanted to get taner.... the weather is so weird here. like last week was freezing, i wore my hoodie everyday to school then these past two days have been hott in the afternoon.

neways, im going now. im gonna meet amanda at the store and then we're going to movie night at school.

in bahrain again.
this is the 3rd weekend in a row that ive gone drinking with my dad lol. its great. see, i think that parents should let their kids drink cause then they wouldnt go behind their parents backs and get all drunk.
last nite i saw my brothers friends' band playing at the ritz carlton hotel(the old meridean). lol, he wants me to learn hotel california so next time when we come in january i get to play and sing on stage lol. i highly doubt ill do it, but its a good song, so ill learn it anyway. nataniel said he was gonna teach me to its cool.
i got new jeans, i like em a lot, but they are so long. (even for you bonnie) so im gonna get them hemmed at the tailors.
yeh... later.

no tournament for varsity cause all the teams are too scared to come to Riyadh. my ankel hurts again. this season sucked.

problems in loveland. i feel sad when i see him and i dont kno what to say. i don't kno what to do.

im going to bahrain this weekend.

exams next week. fun.

right now im in the buisness lounge in manila. free internet... oh yeah. lol.im on my way back to saudi... yay. not really but yeah.
my trip was fun. i met a lot of relatives i never knew i had, ate a lot of food, did a lot of shopping lol.

omg. i was sooooooo close to getting my navel pierced. DAMNIT. i wanted it so much, i had enough money for it too! i got to ditch my dad for a while a few times so my cousins took me to the places where they got their tats and or piercings... but it wasnt open. we went all over looking for a place, but it was really late already so they were closed. i went to the mall again this morning to go to the pierceing place but it was closed again. aghh... i want it so bad.

anyway. my ankel still hurts. im pretty sure thats not a good sign, but i wanna play soccer! the last couple days are next week then its the tournament.

yeah so i got my new guitar. is so B-E-A-UTIFUL! lol. its a gibson explorer i beleive, and one of the guys from the foo fighters plays the same one. i have an amp too, its so big. tee hee... im so happy. my dad didnt want me to have it though, oh well- its mine!

i must be on my way, i have to go wait at the gate now.
*wish me a safe trip*